One big takeaway from this trip that God gave me through the physical space between my family & I is that every little thing is in His control. Life will life, people’s living situations will change, marital statuses, job opportunities, beliefs & family dynamics are bound to shift whether I’m present or not. From afar, on the outside, I’ve got to be a witness to the way that God is working inside my family. I was constantly unaware of everything He was doing while living beside them because I put a pressure on myself to be the one to bring them to the feet of Jesus. But like anybody coming to know Jesus for the first time or thousandth time, it’s all the work of the Holy Spirit.
I got off a phone call with my grandma a few months ago after tearfully pouring my broken heart out over a certain situation in my life that seemed hopeless. I felt so blind to see what God was doing. I told my grandma all the plans I had created in my head to accomplish upon my return home. My blueprint was perfect. It was strategic. It was completely others focused. God would have to intervene. But see, the problem here, that was soon brought to my attention was that it left no room for God to show up authentically. Though I wanted it to be about others meeting & seeing Christ grow in their life in a radical way, I still made it all about myself. I wanted to be in control. I wanted to override whatever plans God had & replace them with my own. I didn’t want to understand how God was currently working or be open to seeing Him show up through this situation. It was ultimately about me.
I grew up very fearful that I would carry the hurts & pains of my family for the rest of my life. I always felt like I was constantly running away from generational addictions that always seemed to be just centimeters behind me. One of my greatest fears was that I wouldn’t be used to break generational curses in my family & that myself, my kids & grandkids would all end up the same way, divorced, drunk, addicted, prideful, judgmental & complacent. These fears produced control & control produced faithlessness & despair.
God has completely changed my life & He is continuing to do so. As I reflect on the ways He’s changed me & a lot of my family members already, it gives me so much hope for what He will do within my family in the future. I now understand why my grandma has never given up or got tired of praying for the lost in my family. I’ve come to realize that it is not I who can reconcile my family to God but it is done by the work of Jesus on the cross & Him alone.
I have many ideas. I have many ways & strategies for people to meet Christ but if i’m consistently taking the focus off of Christ, then where am I leading people to?
My dream is to see my entire family saved. My dream is for my siblings, parents, cousins, aunts & uncles to come to a point in their life where it all finally makes sense. Living aimlessly is so exhausting, we’ve all done it at some point in our life but it’s not our purpose at all. There’s so much to be in awe over & enjoy in a life with Jesus but it starts with Jesus.
Thank you God for bringing me 7,246 miles away to understand your strength & power. You don’t need me. You want me. Just like what you did with the fish, bread & disciples. You didn’t need them but you wanted to use them. There’s a scene in The Chosen Season 2 Episode 5 where God is having a conversation with Simon the Zealot. God is actively pursuing Simon by healing his brother, the paralytic & now giving him a front row seat to witness another miracle of casting a demon out of Caleb. Simon’s confusion of pursuit brings him to ask Jesus why he is needed. Jesus responds by saying, “I have everything I need. But I wanted you.” “But why?” Simon responds. Jesus says, “You’re not alone in misunderstanding. But not to worry. I’m preparing something to share with the world. For now, wanting you by my side will have to be enough. No one buys their way into our group (disciples) because of special skills, Simon.”
God doesn’t need me, he wants me. He doesn’t need me to make all these plans of saving souls. Our purpose is to constantly be brought back to the Creator of this universe rather than our own works. He will use me in many creative & unique ways alongside prayer & fasting but I ultimately get to be blessed through these ways. He doesn’t want me to be stressed or hopeless but to continue trusting in Him. Just like Simon, I may not understand but what God has cookin up is better than I could ever imagine. I just gotta be down for the ride.
Love always,
P
Yes Payton! Such meaty stuff in here. I love the quote, “Living aimlessly is exhausting.” It is evident that God is at work in you both to will and to work according to his good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13) Thanks for sharing!
This hit close to home . Had an opportunity to work as a seasonal for camp as a part of a pilot NGL program My authentic desire was to serve at camp and do something meaningful but my selfish ambition was to be here at all cost regardless of position even if it wasn’t in line with what God has for me . In that I chose something that wasn’t for me and I sinned against a sister in Christ . When all this went down I had a really selfish attitude of she hurt me first but the reality is 2 wrongs don’t make a right . It was just 2 people struggling with mental health doing their best during a stressful time . Made things right only thru God’s grace but at the cost of losing an opportunity of a lifetime ,getting reprimanded , and damaging friendships. Looking back on it the lashing out was a trauma response from the house I grew up in . As someone who’s felt and delt with generational trauma/curses and is still healing from it . I don’t think many people will ever understand the depth of that kind of painful empty void we live with. I don’t discount their pains but when the enemy has been out for you from the get go we don’t really get to know true life and we don’t have much of a reference point for Joy . Because of how people failed me and how I failed them it’s not wonder why I advocate for people with incredibly hard stories with all its struggle , shading , and nuances. People are losing their imaginations and their hope because we get so caught up in the busyness of the world or our own plans that we forget to be in awe and reverence over this thing we call life that God has gifted us ,I’m guilty of this as well (we are quiet literally holy ghost’s driving a flesh covered skeleton made from stardust riding a rock hurtling thru space) . It’s hard to live this life feeling misunderstood and feeling like we don’t understand when things get very sour . We don’t know what Jesus will do thru this life especially in the scary and ugly moments but it’s comforting to know that for now He is wanting us by His side and that is enough. Any worry we can possibly have Jesus has already addressed. Letting Go when your heart isn’t easy is such a beautiful and humble act of worship . Last thought I’ll leave ya with One thing I’ve been telling myself is that to God my name is the shortest love poem He has ever written just as yours is too. Here’s to God killing our flesh and sparing our souls . His will be done ❤️