Back At One.

Back to posting blogs! Here’s one I wrote the first week of July when we first arrived to Vietnam!

This is gonna sound silly at first but yes, I’m writing an entire blog on a Brian McKnight song. I know God speaks to me in so many ways, through images, people, the voice kinda in the back of my head, nature & so many others. Because He also speaks to me through music, there are times when I doubt that I’m hearing from Him. You know when you’re in worship, not really focused on the words coming out of your mouth but still get that tingly feeling because the drums are just hittin? In those moments, I think I’m experiencing God but I’m really just experiencing good sounds because I never actually connected my heart to God in that moment. There’s a whole other conversation that can come out of this specific thought as well but what I’m really trying to get at is that this time it wasn’t just a good song or a good sound.

Loss is weird. Losing someone you’ve always walked through life with, seen on a daily basis & told that you love everyday should never exist sometimes. One day they are there & next, they are gone. My human brain fails to completely understand loss at times. The moments immediately following loss are searching for connections to feel close to that person. At least, that’s what it was after my brother passed away. It was 4 years ago but still feels like yesterday that I started skating, driving throughout all of the Portland viewpoints at 2am every other day, wearing his clothes, getting candy & pop from the mini mart, enjoying a ride on TriMet, drinking root beer floats, purposefully driving past the same apartment complex multiple times a day & putting every single song we listened to growing up on repeat, Back At One by Brian McKnight being the main one.

Malik didn’t want anything to do with God, really ever. Malik was forced to go to church growing up, we all were. Malik was hard headed, independent & tender. He was known for His selflessness, goofiness & desire to befriend everyone that he came across. You would think that his character was a product of a devout relationship with a God who showered him in an abundance of love. Instead, he chose out of the love he was offered. He settled with the lies that satan would whisper & I can tell you as a witness, these whispers turned into surround sound for his life. Malik chose to control & live his own life that looked pretty on the outside but in reality, he was fighting some demons like no other. To the point where, out of love & care for my brother, I want to believe that though good works don’t get us anywhere, a just God would still give him a seat in heaven. (This is also a whole other conversation.) Throughout Malik’s life, he outwardly denied God but only God truly knew his heart.

He wanted nothing to do with the life of a Christian but when it came to his little sister, it didn’t matter what I was involved in, he wanted every part in it. He wanted to support me in literally every aspect of my life. I truly thought he was going to have a word to say when I told him that I was choosing to pursue missions over college post high school. Because of his personal beliefs, I thought I was going to encounter another philosophical debate about the existence of God. But that didn’t happen. What I was met with this time was love & his desire to meet every need I had to make my dream reality. He was inspired by the people groups, languages, cultures & countries I would encounter. He told me that if he could fully fund me so that I could continue to be Payton to everyone I encounter, he would. He didn’t “like” God but he was proud of me & believed in me to be a vessel in being a gospel carrier. There’s some hidden truths in these moments with Malik that revealed another perspective that I truly believe was buried deep under pride, hurt & fear.

Growing up, he always encouraged me to go after every single dream I had & not let a single soul slow me down in the process due to fear. He supported & pushed me continually.

Big secret time that my family will probably come after me for. But, remember when I mentioned that when I told Malik about the missions trips I wanted to go on, His response was that if he could, he would fully fund me so that I could continue to be Payton to everyone I encounter… well I took this to another level & honestly would not be where I am without this statement. Or maybe I would, God continues to surprise me in His provision. Anyways, following Malik’s death was when I finally embarked on my first journey after returning home from my first real attempt. I was fully funded for the trip because my funds had run over from the one I opted out of but I didn’t truly believe in God’s miracles at this time, especially financially. I had grown up fearful of ends being met by my abrupt life changes & circumstances. I had the money to go on the trip but I had literally $0 to my name to actually get me through the trip. I was unaware that there would be days I needed extra cash for food at the airport, going out to eat with my team every once & awhile, blessing others, being a part of fun outings from time to time, toiletries & covering other people when their cards didn’t work. There were so many expenses that I didn’t factor in at all nor did they really matter to me at the moment, considering I had $0 but I knew that I needed to go. Not only was this trip an answered prayer & fulfillment of prophesy from years past but man, after you lose someone, life sometimes goes into spirals. The reality of life was revealed to me & I finally received a deeper understanding of the urgency to pursue God’s purposes in my life. Thought I was trusting God in any other aspects of life, put of fear, my plan wasn’t to trust that He would also provide financially in this time. My nature was to have a plan B, C, D, E, & probably F, you get it. The moment you’ve been waiting for. I set up a Go Fund Me account following my brother’s death to receive donation to go towards (what posting says), “his memorial service and whatever else our family needs to cope during this time”. I had this money in one of my accounts with the intent to one day we would maybe have some type of event to honor Malik’s life or it would just become emergency money the next time something took place. Now that was my intention. My fear in this time of my life was to be a burden to anyone in my family after our tragic loss, especially my mom & other brother who was beginning to start a family. I remember sitting on the beach in Costa Rica thinking about all the people in my family & was to ask them for money because I was OUT. As I sat there, in my little happy place that I often times spent with Jesus thinking about what Malik might be doing, the conversation of missions I had with him crossed my mind. Technically, the money belonged to Malik & I know that I know that I know that if Malik was alive his words of fully funding me for the purpose of loving on people in the world would stand true. And so I used it. I transferred every penny into my checking account & used it. Ultimately, Malik funded the start of my passion in missions so that I could advance.

Because of this one small involvement that Malik played in my life, he is constantly the one I think about when I meditate on my gratitude for my supporters & encouragers. I often think that I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him. Sometimes, I imagine him on a mission trip with me. His boldness, adaptability & optimism would be perfect for this environment. I travel to places that I know he would absolutely love like sitting 5 feet away from the lions in Africa, playing soccer with kids in Guatemala & swimming in the warm ocean for hours in Costa Rica. I’m thankful for the little ways that God creates a continuous connection between him & I. When he was alive, we most of the time we spent together was adventuring around & listening to music. We could talk music day in & day out. We’d always be on underground & upcoming artists before anybody. We listened to old & new stuff but we all know that nothing could top the stuff mom grew us up on. So many nostalgic memories would flood our brains for hours & we would always end up cracking up over something that happened when the same song was playing in the past. Music has continued to comfort me in the moments I miss Malik the most. We would listen to Mary J. Blige & Brian McKnight on replay. Back At One was without explanation, a no skip song. It takes me back to the red Hyundai Elantra our mom would drive us.

God is creative in the ways He shows me that I’m seen. He is intentional in pouring out His love for me. I’m blessed with the ability to so clearly notice the moments that the Lord is pushing me to keep going & pursuing His heart. As crazy as this sounds, this happened on my first day in Africa in the Kombi van. I’m sitting all the way in the back row, my favorite, & I slightly hear the piano keys in the beginning of Back At One over the speakers. This song is so special to me that I was more in disbelief that it was actually playing. I was immediately comforted by the Lord & did my karaoke of course. It was something so small & seemingly insignificant that reminded me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be & my purpose is to love every person I encounter because that is what God called me here to do. Just like that, it was over but it was what I needed to keep going.

We arrived in Da Nang, Vietnam on Wednesday morning after 4 flights & 33 hours of traveling. I went to bed at 4:45am Wednesday & was being picked up for orientation at 7:30am that same morning. I was beat. I was exhausted. My body was struggling from whatever it has been fighting. Was this really the life I wanted to continue living? It’s easy for questions to flood my brain during our transition periods every month because of the difficulty of constant change. It’s almost inevitable at this point but I would say that God has been quicker & quicker to whip me back into purpose each time. Now that I’m in the treasury role on my team, I practically will be living at the ATM. So, I’m at the ATM trying to pull our lodging, travel money, etc. & I’m legit having to make like 10 transactions because the withdrawal limit per transaction in this country is extremely low. Now we go inside the little mall area we’re at for our chance to get supplies & groceries which we have had no time to think about considering the last thing we did was sleep 3 hours nor do we have anywhere to cook the food where we are staying so we are just confused & making it work (welcome to The race😉.) I’m ready to go back to my bed. I don’t want to be shopping or walking around really & now we’re late (a big pet peeve) to meeting our hosts at the coffee spot outside the store due to not being able to figure out which of the 100 bags on the shelf was detergent & not softener because the translator was saying that the bottle reads so many things that make absolutely no sense like, “elephant cavity, dirty book & keep your mind away from me“.

We finally check out & walk over to the coffee spot to meet up with our hosts to continue our long, exhausting & delusional journey this day. Guess what I begin to hear? The piano keys in the beginning of Back At One is playing out of the speakers of a coffee shop in this little mall complex in Đà Nẵng, Vietnam. How do they even know this song? I’m like 99.9% that nobody in this building actually knows this song & that God literally just came & highjacked the sound system. I can’t even explain the grin on my face that was almost bringing me to tears as we walked away from the coffee shop that day. I was scared almost by the intentionality & power of God. How could someone call me so deserving to love me in a way that speaks directly to my heart, soul & spirit? In this moment, I was stuck in awe of my God. I was overwhelmed & struck with purpose once again. I was no longer exhausted. I didn’t care what the plans were for the rest of our day. All I wanted was to love on the people around me because the endless opportunities in front of me to do so were represented again.

A God so loving, intentional & unchanging.

Hear me when I say this. In both instances, there was a split second that I wanted to write the moment off. I wanted to deem the event “coincidental”. I didn’t want to believe that I was worthy enough of being loved & shown value in this way. I didn’t want to believe that God is after MY heart, that He ACTUALLY cares about my desires. More than myself, Satan wanted me to write this moment off. I was brought to 1 Peter 5:8, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” He ultimately wanted to kill, steal & destroy every joy & ounce of good that God was actively bringing me. All it took was recognizing the schemes, casting it out & believing in who God says He is. James 4:7 says, “So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” So, that is what was done to be able to fully comprehend everything that God was doing in that moment. Hearing a song that eventually revealed my purpose & served in providing peace in a moment was not insignificant. God is just that powerful!

God partnered with me because He is doing something in me & is not done with me yet. Philippians 1:5-6 says, “for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

ps. What I’m NOT saying to do what I did. Don’t go spending your families Go Fund Me accounts… unless the Lord gives you peace in it. The Lord works in weird ways, am I right?

Love always,

P