It’s easy to get stuck in the state of just getting through the rest of the race. There’s exactly 3 months until I hop on a plane back home. Personally, my hardest days on the race are behind me which was the halfway point but there are still days that I want to choose complacency, the easy way out. Not only am I constantly dreaming of what home may look like but I’m also constantly thinking things like, “I’ve learned enough, what more can I be taught, what’s the point of working on this specific friendship now, would apologizing really change anything, there’s no reason to be completely vulnerable anymore, I don’t need to prepare for this activity… etc.” There’s so many moments where I’ve become so unaware of what’s going on around me due to my focus on the future & and unwillingness to desire growth. Like a river flows, it’s as I’ve become the water that gets stuck between the rocks, becoming stagnant.
Let’s be real, if God called me to only soak in 8 months of life on the race, I don’t think I’d have been called to embark on an 11 month trip. There has to be more the Lord wants to reveal but it’s up to me to receive it.
My plan since the first 2 weeks of Thailand, on August 1st, was to just get through the rest of the race. It was to sit back, not share anymore ideas, not search for ways to serve my community, not pursue my hosts as deeply as I once have & not really care about how things were running. It seemed that it would be easier that way. I don’t even completely understand what led me to feel this way besides the effort, time & energy is takes to be used by the Lord & to live a life of leadership, willing to help at the drop of a dime & be an open ear during all hours. It can be tiresome.
Before completely choosing to go my own way, I asked what God wanted from me for the remaining 3 months on the field. His response, “I want your heart”. But what do I do when I’m tired of giving my heart away? When I feel worn out & done being used? I continue to give my heart away but instead of giving it to others as I have been, I give it to God.
He’s revealed that the fatigue & complacent mind I adopted was formed through disconnect with Him. I had been looking for an infilling from my community, from their words, their actions & their desire to be around me so when they ran out of things to say or do for me, my spirit also ran out. God showed me that if I continued to give Him my heart every single day, I wouldn’t run out of anything. Instead, I would abundantly be used as His vessel every day.
I choose to wake up & freely give my heart to the Lord every morning. I choose to desire what He desires for me. I choose to follow where He leads me & listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit inside me. I choose not to just get through the remaining 3 months on the field but to give my heart away every morning over the next 93 days.
Here’s some verses I want to share as encouragement that also directly apply to my life right now:
“may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.” Hebrews 13:21
I have been equipped for all 11 months of this journey from the beginning. I was called to continue carrying out the Lord’s call. He will forever make His name known & I am pleased to be used as a vessel in this way!
“Here is a call for the endurance of the saints, those who keep the commandments of God and their faith in Jesus.” Revelation 14:12
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
God has called me to continue shining my light. Choosing to dim it would be straying not only myself but others away from the man I so passionately desire the world to know.
“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
I am choosing to trust in the purpose God has for me here. He has already renewed my strength overnight. I’m excited for what is to come & the areas I will continue to grow in over the next 3 months. I’m excited to share the many stories of the ways God gave me hope & pulled me through. I’m excited to continue looking forward to the morning because I know that I get to give my heart to Him over & over again. What I receive in return is more than worth it. I will do this forever.
Love always,
P
Love you!!!
Felt very validated and also very attacked by this .(insert crying emoji) jokes aside as I’m slowly approaching the end of the yearlong internship(4 months left) ,the scent of complacency and fatigue were *are heavy on my soul. And I know It looks very different on us . I think between the constant go and pouring out my soul just started to feel tired . For me this feeling came from loneliness in the kitchen,how my off days or off time never lined up with anyone else and experiencing a little bit of chastising from the community around me . Seems like people are quick to draw conclusions without looking for context. Im not perfect by any stretch of the means and I think healthy conflict reminds me that people are still people . I’m not sure what the Lord is doing in this season ,but I wanted to say that you are not alone in the way you feel . love you ,miss you , proud of you. Hope that the Lord comforts your heart during this time
“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better” Ephesians 1:17
“I continue to give my heart away but instead of giving it to others as I have been, I give it to God.” Dang. I needed to hear that today. ❤️ Love you Payton!