SOOO.WHAT.IS.UP.GUYS.
IT’S.BEEN.A.HOT.HOT.HOT.MINUTE.
Well here I am, back in the coffee shop I started at when I wrote my first blog on December 29th, 2018. Almost a year ago I talked about how crazy this dream come true was. The World Race Gap Year was the dream specifically. I had been accepted to go onto this 9 month journey that would have started in the beginning of this month. Yet, here I am, still in America.
Let’s see, since then I gained a whole new squad of friends, I became a full time nanny, I’ve minimized my sinning and strengthened my relationship with the Lord and focused on my relationships with people around me, I watched the sunrise with one of my best friends in Georgia (shoutout to Emily), I wrecked my car, I watched another one of my best friends pack for her Gap Year trip, OH and I went to training camp in Gainesville, Georgia. I lasted about 5 days until I decided it was time for me to come home. I was confused, sad, happy, confused, tired, doubtful, confused, excited… I didn’t know what or how I was feeling during my time in Georgia. It was difficult and I knew it would be difficult but for some reason I gave up. I let those thoughts of not being good enough, not worthy enough, not perfect enough get to my head. It was definitely not what the Lord was speaking to me but I decided to follow it.
It was tough leaving. I remember the morning I was leaving, I booked my tickets and went to breakfast knowing it would be my last meal at TC. I told a couple people I was leaving but I didn’t want to make a huge deal about it so I mostly stayed quite during that meal. After I ate, I went to share the news with the rest of my leaders who weren’t already involved in the conversations leading up to this decision. They made sure I was making the choice I wanted to make and prayed for me one last time. The squad swarmed into the room outside the door where I prepared myself for a farewell. I got up in front of my squad of about 40 people not including all the leaders and explained that I was going home because where I was didn’t feel “right”. I wished them the best of luck and of course starting crying because when do I not cry?! And just like that, I was gone. I got a couple hugs on the way out but man do I wish I had more time to hug each person. I had spent about 5 days with the squad as a whole and I had built some pretty amazing friendships in just those days.
The plane ride back was weird. I really wasn’t where I planned to be. I stared out the window at the clouds the WHOLE time. I’m talking like 8 hours. I contemplated my life harder than I ever have. I was trying to talk to God but my faith felt washed. I felt so alone and scared to come home to a group of supporters who were rooting me on for this trip that I gave up on. During my layover in Austin, TX I applied for as many nanny positions as I possibly could because I knew I couldn’t come back to nothing, that would just stress me out even more.
The first couple days back home weren’t as bad as I thought they were going to be as I had prepared for them and already had interviews lined up. If I’m busy, I’m happy and so I knew I needed to fill my days prior to landing in Portland, Oregon. I didn’t hangout with anybody when I came back nor posted anything for about a week. I was curious to see everybody’s reaction when I shared the news, which again, wasn’t as bad as I thought would be.
My one concern was the friends I was going to continue involving myself with. Throughout high school, I had many friends, I never belonged to just one group. I wouldn’t say any of my friend groups were bad but some weren’t great examples, as we all have I’m sure. I love them to death but sometimes I need a break because things can get toxic. I never had that group of friends or close friends that were believers. Well, during junior year I did for a split second but my friend graduated and then ya, I felt like there was nobody. At this point, the few days after I had returned back home, I was still struggling to find my faith. I was praying but I also didn’t know if I was praying because I didn’t really believe my prayer was anything but I tried it just in case it was going to work. I prayed for a new friend group. For girls, specifically, that I could have an amazing christ based relationship with. I have always had a hard time being friends with girls because I’ve grown up with this idea that they just care too much about certain things and are always about of drama and I dunno, girl stuff, which isn’t totally true, although in high school, it kinda was. But I realized how much I needed a girl friend to talk to about anything and everything under the moon. I also just prayed for a group of people of faith who I could share my testimony with and grow in the Lord with. BRO. GOD DID 12 DAYS. BRO. 12 DAYS. I didn’t even think I was praying correctly or anything would come true with the mindset I held. AND HE LITERALLY CAME THRU. BRO CAME THRUUUUU.
A friend of mine was getting married and I was going to the wedding. Honestly, I didn’t entirely want to go (Crystal & David I hope you aren’t reading this part (((: ) because I wasn’t close with anyone at the weddings and didn’t really wanna pull up alone and sit alone and stand alone and all that but like I love Crystal and I wanted to be apart of this special day because it was such a huge milestone in her life. I was telling my grandma about my situation and she just told me to go because I would regret it later and it would actually be really fun. I was on the verge of not going until my 10 year old brother said he would come with me. So SHOUTOUT TO LOGAN. I went to the wedding, I saw so many friends even saw one of my best friends that I didn’t expect to see there and yeah I was gucci. okay get to the point. I met a guy named DJ through my friend Kiara, he invited me to hangout with his friends the following week. We all went to the river. We all hungout literally every single day after that until school started a couple weeks ago. DJ is one of my best friends along with like 6 others in the group. I joined their bible study at his house every Sunday night. Life is good dude. And like God, YOU ARE SO GOOD.
This is the big mess about me coming home but stay tuned for news….
IM GOING TO COSTA RICO JULY 2020 FOR A MONTH TO SERVE. I’m stoked for this opportunity to continue an adventure through Adventures in Missions. This time, I will be starting real small with a one month trip and I cannot wait to see how God continues to turn up in my life.
I give it all to you JESUS!!!
Love always,
<3 P
